Doing My Best
Chapter Four - Cool I am, when I am with you. Cool I'm not, when I am lonely.
(A couple days later)
The phone rings at the Carters' home.
"Could I speak with Steven?"
"Yes, a moment please," Sarah Carter gives a headsign to Steven for him to pick
up the phone.
"Steven?"
"Yes? Oh! Hi, Jess!"
"How are you?" She hasn't seen him since Prize Day.
"Could be better. Anyway, what can I do for you?"
"I'm coming over. Is that okay?"
"Let me check first." Sarah quickly nods, knowing that Steven is lucky to have
such good friends.
"No problem. See you in a bit."
Steven has just a few minutes to arrange his room, which is in a disastrous condition. He
hasn't felt like doing anything since that infamous day.
"Hi, Mrs Carter. Steven's expecting me."
"I know. Nice to meet you again, Jess. He's up in his room."
"Hi!"
"Hi! Please don't look at the mess. I'm not in the mood for cleaning since..."
"It's okay," Jessica interrupts him. "Look, I have something to tell you,
something very important. On Prize Day, after you left, I looked around for John..."
"And? Tell me!" he anxiously shouts. He wants to know everything, every little
detail, for he still cares a lot about John.
"He was crushed and couldn't stop crying. He told me everything."
Steven is surprised in a way. He didn't expect John to feel that bad. He knew he'd be
sorry, sad maybe. But not crushed, as Jessica said.
"Everything?" Not the locker room rift he hopes, not that humiliating moment.
"That he was gay..."
"What?" Steven can't believe his ears. He has told someone!
"...and about the locker room. I don't want to rub it in, but he told me because, he
said, he would go insane if he didn't tell someone. And he said..., he said, ummm, that he
still loves you, though he knows that he fucked up the whole thing. He'd kill me knowing I
told you, but anyway, he cares. He's afraid, scared, but he cares. I know I shouldn't tell
you all this, but I just found it unfair your affair had to end because of people like
Kevin and Dave. I think, also, that it could work out with people like Wendy, Mark, Linda,
and me on your side."
"Jess, I'm confused now. I don't know what to think, what to want." Steven is
really puzzled with these recent, and rather unexpected, developments.
"Do you still love him?"
"Honestly? Yes, even after, after, you know. I thought I'd die not having him by my
side. And I felt betrayed, angry. That's why I said what I said that day. Though I'm still
angry, yes, I love him. But, I didn't think I'd ever see him again, for obvious reasons.
Obvious until today."
-"Waiting is the hardest thing
[It's strange I feel like I've known you before]
I tell myself that if I believe in you
[And I want to understand you]
In the dream of you
[More and more]
With all my heart and all my soul
[When I'm with you]
That by sheer force of will
[I feel like a magical child]
I will raise you from the ground
[Everything strange]
And without a sound you'll appear
[Everything wild]
And surrender to me, to love."-
"Don't worry, I won't play matchmaker..."
"If he asks, you can tell him whatever you want."
"...right. Steven, I'm happy you feel you can trust me. I'm sure you'll work it out,
whatever the end might be. Like I already told you, I won't tell a soul, neither will I
interfere."
"Thanks again."
"I'm on my way. I have an appointment at Linda's beauty parlour."
"Want some company? It's been days since I have sneaked out."
"Sure, you can walk me." Jess was grinning at Steven, remembering how,
foolishly, she had thought Steven would fall for her.
After Jessica and Steven arrived at the parlour, Steven said hi to Linda and left her with
Jess. On his way back home, Kevin Grainger was walking towards him on the same sidewalk.
"Oy! Carter!"
Steven started to run, but Kevin outran him, needless to say, quite easily.
"Leave me alone now!" Steven was frightened, like when he was at school.
"I won't do anything to you. Just want to talk to you."
"What else do you want? You now know more than you ever expected to!" Steven
replies on an ice-cold tone.
"I wanted to say I'm sorry."
Steven couldn't hide the expression of shock on his face. Can Kevin Grainger think, be
sorry and, on top of it all, be sincere?
"I won't bug you anymore. Got to tell you that Dixon..." Steven's face turned
from shock to anguish at the memories of that day "...got me scared. Of course, we
bullied you, but I never thought or wanted it to go that far." Suddenly, it's Kevin
who can't look in Steven's eyes.
"I guess it's okay. Apologies accepted," Steven said in an unconvincing tone.
"Sure?"
"Look, it's been years of that crap. I don't know. I just want to do my own thing. I
guess it's okay. I'm surprised, that's all."
"You'll see next year. Maybe, then, you will believe me. Bye, now!"
Steven stood there, not knowing what to think. John still loves him; he told Jess he's
gay. Kevin seems to have one functional neurone after all... Those thoughts keep him busy
until he reaches his home. What a day, what a week! Being upfront with his sexuality
brings out many other different apprehensions and decisions. Being out, Steven can't
ignore anymore the other parts of his life, parents, friends, school. All those parts are
connected now. "One thing at a time," he's thinking.
to be continued...
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