Doing My Best
Chapter Five - True Blue
Steven’s father is still not comfortable with his son being gay. How should he act? What should he say? What’s next to expect? So that day, at lunch time, it’s casual talk, as usual. Graham notices tension between Steven and himself, caused by all that’s unsaid and yet-to-be-said.
Sarah Carter is bringing the mail to the table. "Here, Steven. A letter for you!"
"Who is it from?" asks Steven, nonchalantly.
"Let me see, ummm, John D…, ummm, John Dixon."
Steven just stands there, speechless. Graham gives a questioning look at his wife. Isn’t that the boy they met on the track on Prize Day?
"Won’t you open it?"
Regaining his senses, "Yes."
After reading the letter, he couldn’t help but to fall in love again. God, he had hoped for a sign from John. True, he’s angry, but he’s not bitter. Getting back together was not on his mind, being sure John would never admit he’s gay. Seeing him again? Yes, yes, yes. And "be proud of what you did". The pain had given Steven the strength to speak out and had given John the strength to deal with his real life. Steven was relieved to know he hadn’t suffered alone and that all of this suffering could lead to somewhere where the sky is brighter, if only with less dark clouds.
-"If I could reach out to you
(Nothing will stop me)
Take your head in my hands
(Tell me what would you do)
Kiss your eyes, sing you to sleep
(Your voice sounds like a lullaby)
Here's my heart, this time to keep
(Here's my heart to keep)"-
Going towards the window, Steven sees Linda and invites her over. He has something special to show to her.
"Hey, Steven, what have you got to show me? With your smile, it must be… it must be grand! A declaration from a secret admirer?"
"It’s serious. Look at this!" showing her the letter. "John wrote to me!"
"Sorry, babe, what?"
"John wrote to me! Look, look!" He is as excited as a human being can possibly be. Linda, taking the letter, is blinded with his smile: the smile that shows only when Steven is tremendously happy! She starts to read it, then, realising it’s Steven’s, she asks permission to do so.
"Yeah, yeah, go ahead!"
So many smiles, expressions, frowns appear on Linda’s face that Steven can’t help but notice. What is she thinking?
"Steven, I must admit, you know what I think of that tosser-sorry, John-but it looks like he’s serious."
"I know, I know. It’s amazing! I don’t know what to do now. I was sure I’d never get to see him again, but after I read this…"
"You will see him again? He’s miserable? Serves him right!"
"Linds…"
"No Linds! It’s just too easy. You went through a lot and, with a single letter, everything is now gone, forgotten, forgiven, and beautiful?"
Steven doesn’t have an answer to that one. He is rather surprised-maybe not, after all-though he knows she wants to protect him. In a way, Linda is right. A lot of wrong happened lately. But, on the other hand, could it be so easy? Is the situation complicated, delicate, and painful enough to have such a simple solution attached to it?
Steven can understand what John had gone through and still is going through. Yes, he’s been hurt, deeply at that, and he’s aware of this fact. Does John deserve another chance? Just one more chance?
"No, it’s not forgotten, gone, beautiful, and… and whatever you said, too. But the truth is that I love him and he still seems to love me, too. He deserves-or shall I say wants-another chance. And so do I. I may have forgotten to tell you this, but Jess came by a couple days ago-you remember Jessica?" Linda acknowledges, "-to tell me about the chat she’d had with ‘that tosser’ right after I left. It’s true, Linds, it’s true! I deserve another chance. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll leave, alright? I have done some thinking, too. Trust me. Don’t approve me or agree with me; trust me."
"Steven Carter, it is so you! Sensitive, always thinking good of others, optimistic as one can be… Thank God I know you, or I’d think you’re crazy! I’ll trust you, alright, and you know that!"
Although John is "out", he is still unsure of his reactions and of his surroundings’ reactions. He decides to call Jessica and have a talk, knowing that he can trust her. They will meet at the now "famous" park.
After letting his Mum know he’s going out, he jumps in the car and happily drives to the meeting point. He feels like he has made a step towards seeing Steven again. Feeling confident to speak to another person about these feelings, his feelings, will make it easier for him to face the world. So many memories are coming back: the awkwardness of their first meeting, the fear when running at the slightest noise in that very same park.
"Hi, John. What’s up?"
John turns his head and sees Jessica walking toward him.
"I have to talk to you. Don’t worry, I won’t be as sad and distraught as last time. I told my parents I’m gay!"
"Oh? How did it go?"
"Much easier than I thought it would be. Actually, when I got home, my Dad bombarded me with questions. I couldn’t stand it. I just spit it out…"
"Great! Ste…"-"Shut up, Jess, shut up," she thinks to herself-"...umm, great. How are you now?"
"Scared. Better, but scared. I know it’s gonna be alright, though, I guess. Another thing...," his voice trails off.
"What?"
"Kevin knows, too." He tells her of how he ran into him and of how Kevin confronted him. "He was angry at me. He said I’d been too hard with Steven." John’s voice becomes shaky, trembling.
"Oh my God! That must have been a lot in a single day for Kevin!"
After going into the full details of his conversation with Kevin and telling her about the letter he wrote to Steven, John, knowing that Steven and Jessica are friends, asks a simple, but so meaningful, question of Jessica. "By the way, have you seen him lately?"
Jessica is willing to tell the truth, but she has to be careful not to interfere, as she had promised Steven. If he should ask, he would know.
"Yes, I’d been to his place a couple days ago."
John, for he still cares a lot, is smiling-beaming would be more appropriate. He will get some news of Steven, his Steven, finally!
"How is he doing? Is he mad at me? Has he met someone else? Are his parents fine with his being gay? Tell me everything, please!"
Jessica doesn’t know where to start. "Well, he’s doing fine. I guess his parents are fine, too, otherwise, I think he would have told me. To be honest, he is pretty mad at you. He felt betrayed…"
John loses his beaming smile, regret and anguish now replacing his smile.
"…John, wait, please! I’m not finished, unless you want me to stop."
"No, go on. Better face it now."
"No, he hasn’t found someone else. I guess he’s not ready for that because… because…, well, you asked for it: he still cares about you."
"You’re kidding me! If you are, it’s not funny at all!"
"No, I’m not. He told me that if you were to ask, I could tell you. But mind you, I won’t be playing matchmaker here. You two have to sort this out by yourselves."
"To be honest, I did send the letter, as I told you. I’m now waiting for a sign."
"I hope it’s gonna be alright. Anyway, you’ve done all this for you, too, right?"
"Yes. But aiming at Steven gave me the strength, or weakened my defences. I’m much better, but it won’t mean as much if he’s not by my side." A sad look quickly crosses John’s eyes. "I told you earlier that I was scared. I’m scared that Steven won’t want to see me again, not even to talk this whole situation over. I don’t know if I’m willing to go through that. I don’t know what to do anymore. Do I really want to see him? Yes. But I don’t want to be rejected, even though I’d deserve it for being such a prat!"
"John, stop that! Dwelling over it won’t make you feel better or get you any closer to Steven. See if he can forgive, but also see if you can forgive yourself first. You might be scared and not know what to do, but I can imagine it’s not any easier for Steven. He can’t go back, you know!"
"I guess I’ll have to wait then…"
"And?"
"And what?"
"And trust yourself a bit. It takes a special person to come such a long way in such a short time. Why don’t you call him to make sure he received your letter?"
"I’ll think about it."
Steven is wandering in the mall, looking for clothes and other stuff. On his way to his father’s shop, he runs into someone he had never expected to see or meet again: Raymond Dixon! What should he do? Avoid him? Too late now! He seems to be coming directly towards Steven. What does he want? That bloody speech…!
"Hi, Mr. Dixon, how are you?" Steven tries his best to be comfortable, if it is possible in such an awkward situation.
"Hi, Steven-it is Steven?" Steven nods. "I came to get some prints of those photos you took of John for the magazine."
Steven blushes at the memory. He knows that Mr. Dixon already knows about John and him.
"Is everything alright, Steven?" Raymond Dixon didn’t expect this silence, this reaction from Steven. It must have been a traumatic falling out.
"Yes. Don’t worry, Mr. Dixon. It’s just, well, with the recent…"
"Sorry, Steven. I don’t want to embarrass you. Honestly, I came for the prints, but I would also like to have a talk with you."
"About what?" He knows it has to do with Prize Day, but would John be involved in the conversation?
"About your speech on Prize Day, if it’s okay with you. We could have lunch later today." There is a really calm and understanding look in Mr. Dixon’s eyes.
Steven accepts right away, even though, deep down inside, he doesn’t know if it’s a good idea. He’d prefer talking with John himself, but for now… What the heck! He has nothing to lose, and he can’t go back to his "not-a-celebrity" status.
Mr. Dixon makes his way toward the photo shop for the prints while Steven goes on his shopping spree.
Steven is on his way to meet Mr. Dixon at the coffee shop in the mall. He doesn’t know what to expect. As a reflex, he looks at his watch. "Bugger, I’m late." One thing seems sure, it won’t be traumatic. Raymond Dixon seems to be an honest and decent man. What if John comes up in the conversation? Steven loves him truly, but he’s also been hurt deeply and, suddenly, he’s not sure of anything. Steven spots Mr. Dixon, who is waving at him.
"Hi, Mr. Dixon."
"Hello, Steven. What will you have?"
After a brief discussion, Mr. Dixon orders their food and drinks. Now he can talk with Steven, his son’s ex-boyfriend.
"So, Steven, first I would like to congratulate you on your speech. It takes a lot of courage to be so upfront with who you are and to show that much honesty. I really mean it. But may I ask you why you did it?"
Steven knows, as Jessica and John had told him, that Mr. Dixon knows about John’s being gay and that they had been "dating". He wants to be certain, not wishing to give away any details that John would not have said. This is probably a reflex reaction from living a lie for so long, plus a bit of his caring for John.
"I was dating somebody… somebody I loved very much. I had written an article because I was angry at not being able to live my life… my real life. That article upset him. We had a rift and it didn’t turn out well. I was, like I said, tired of hiding, of not being able to express what and how I was feeling. This person let me down. I was hurt and angry. That’s why I said what I said. It wasn’t planned."
Raymond Dixon is listening carefully and Steven can see emotions on his face, though he cannot say which emotions.
"Oh? And do I know the boy who did this to you?"
Steven feels trapped. He doesn’t want to lie; he’s had enough of lying. What answer could he give that would not involve anyone’s secrets being revealed?
"You might. I don’t want to lie to you, Mr. Dixon. And I don’t know if that boy would like me to mention his name to other people. You understand, don’t you?"
"Yes, I do. But do you think he would mind your mentioning his name in a conversation with his father?"
Steven blushes. "I guess not. His name is John Dixon, indeed." Steven grins, filled with relief that Mr. Dixon knows it really is John. It makes Steven appreciate John’s letter even more. It was truly true! "So, John told you?"
"Yes. I must admit I suspected this for a while, but after your speech, everything fell into the right place."
"I knew John didn’t want that… for others to know, and he didn’t want or like my speech. If I may ask, how is Mrs. Dixon coping with the situation?"
"She is coming around. She doesn’t understand everything and doesn’t know how to act with John sometimes, but she’ll be fine. I can’t say I liked it at first, but I can’t change anything. And John needs me by his side right now, not standing against him. The poor boy is really having difficulty in dealing with all this. But I know-for he told me, too-he’ll be fine. I just hope he’ll work out this falling out with you."
"Mr. Dixon…"
"Steven," Raymond Dixon cuts him off, "I don’t mean, nor do I want, to intervene here. This is your business. I’ll support him, of course, but I won’t do any of the patching up for him. After all, I’m not the one you want to be going out with!"
Steven blushes in embarrassment, not expecting such frank speech from John’s father.
"Alright, then. At first, I thought I’d never see John again. It would have been ‘dangerous’ for him to be seen with me after the… you know. Now, I don’t know. I’ll just wait…"
"How are your parents doing?"
"Mum is doing okay. She’s been fantastic, I should say. But Dad’s having a hard time. He says he doesn’t understand everything, though he does want to, like Mrs. Dixon maybe. He also doesn’t know what to say or what to do around me. But it’s going to be alright."
"May I ask you one more question?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Do you have any idea of what I can do for John? It’s difficult for him and I’d like to help him, if I can, in order to make him more comfortable."
Steven is surprised. He can’t believe his ears. What is there to do? Tell John to call him? No, no, he thinks. Seriously, what is there to do? Be by his side? Force a conversation once in a while, knowing that John is really quiet in the emotions department?
"All I can say is stand by his side. I’ve seen terror in his face a lot of times, too many times. He’s a good person-adorable, that is. He deserves to be happy. Simply be there for him."
"Thank you, Steven. I really wanted to know more about those realities that we, as parents, often don’t see."
Steven’s face expresses sadness, sadness at not being able to be by John’s side, sadness because his own father hasn’t talked to him like this. When will he come around?
Raymond Dixon nods and notices the sadness upon Steven’s face. He is feeling sad, too. For the first time, he doesn’t know how to handle a situation. His son needs help, and he doesn’t know how to provide it. He is reassured by the good words Steven has said about John. Steven really does love him.
They both part. Steven has to get back home and Mr. Dixon to his own office.
to be continued...
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