Doing My Best
Chapter Nine - Nothing Really Matters
John is ready for another day of
school and the much-awaited meeting with Steven. British history never seems to end;
living in a country with a thousand- year-old history can be such a pain sometimes. It
would be a lot better if he would live in Canada or Australia.
Steven can’t concentrate on mathematics now; it’s too logical, square and dry,
not that he doesn’t like or isn’t good at it. He’s falling in love again!
He doesn’t need mathematics at the moment, but literature, poetry. Shakespeare is
great, but Molière, Rimbaud and Nelligan would be much more romantic. French literature
would be so appropriate. “While the French were writing and painting and being
artists,” Steve thinks, “we were busy conquering the world! That’s why
plots, monarchy, honour and such stuff are what we write about.” The only mathematics
involved right now is the beats of Steven’s heart per second and the period of time
before seeing John.
The bell rings to release the almost-on-vacation students for one of the last lunch breaks
of the term. John suddenly feels nervous. He will see Steven again! What if it goes wrong?
What if Steven is in a bad mood? It’s too late now. The meeting is set and, besides,
isn’t it the most important thing on earth since Prize Day, to see and talk to Steven
again?
John can see Steven coming towards him. Like a reflex, he looks around to see if there is
anyone else. There is! “Oh well, at least I know there are other people.” He
decides not to bother. Steven seems preoccupied with something.
“Steven!”
“Hi!”
“Hi! Good to see you again, really.” John can’t believe it. How surreal the
whole scene seems to be.
Neither of them knows what to say, like their first meeting at the park, centuries ago.
Steven then decides he should say something to break the ice, to make John comfortable and
to make himself forget about his own nervousness.
“Right. I read your letter again last night…”
“It asked a lot of me to write this, you know. I decided there wouldn’t be any
more lies, that I would do everything possible for me to be happy, like you said to be
before you left me. It means being honest with myself, my parents…and you. I know
I’ve been dishonest. I’ll do my best. I’d like to make it up.” John
doesn’t know what to say now. He is feeling rather nervous, scared of Steven’s
reaction.
“Johnny, I’m impressed, I mean it, with what you did, what you chose to do after
the, ummm…events we went through.”
John notices the “we” in Steven’s phrase. Does it mean something? For John,
it means a possibility to be “us” again. Some tears escape his eyes.
“You said you had more things to tell me. I’m rather anxious to hear from you.
So far, it’s exciting!”
How can it be so easy, so funny? “Yes. I want to say, first, that I’m really
sorry, not knowing any better word, for hitting you in the locker room…”
“It’s okay Johnny, it’s…” Steven doesn’t have the chance to
finish his sentence.
“Please, Steven, let me have my say first. It’s hard enough as it is, for
hitting you. Like you know, I was scared to death at the thought that anyone else might
know about us, about me. I guess I was afraid of me knowing the truth about myself. And
then, on the bench…” He starts to sob. “Everything I said was, and still
is, true. I felt destroyed, crushed by lies, love, you, your speech, and I couldn’t
do anything. I would have liked to hold you, to say something to you, to make you
stay…I knew I’d lost the game.”
John pauses for time to regain his composure. He had to do it for him, for Steven, for
them, he hopes.
“I guess I’ll stop and get to the heart of the subject. I’d like to ask you
how you feel about the situation, about me?”
“Well, I’ll be honest. I’m angry, a bit mad at you. I had to go through the
same kinds of feelings and emotions. It was not easy at all! I thought I could count on
you. Then, on the bench, I thought you’d say something, anything, just a word so I
wouldn’t believe I’d lost you while gaining freedom and self-respect.
That’s when I thought I’d never see you again. God, it hurt! I now have to get
acquainted with my new status: officially gay and famous. I can’t go back. I’ll
have to stay ‘out’ and face it.”
John begins to feel ill, feeling he could throw up at any moment, feeling his nerves
contracting, aching, making him dizzy. The only visible symptom was a flow of tears
streaking his face. He couldn’t restrain them any longer.
“Nevertheless, I’m angry, it’s true, not bitter. I can and I will forgive
you. I understand where you come from, what it takes to be yourself, to feel good
being…dodgy!” Steven grins at John.
“Can I ask you something else, Steve?”
“Yes, but one more thing before. Please don’t ask me if you can: just ask.
Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy our meeting a lot. I’m pleased I can talk to
you.”
(-“Turnaround, Every now and then I know you’ll never be the boy you always
wanted to be…”-)
“Right. I also wanted to know, ummm, like I wrote, I can’t be happy without you.
Do you think we can be mates again?” The question had finally been asked.
(-“Turnaround, Every now and then I know you’ll always be the only boy who
wanted me the way that I am…”-)
Steven doesn’t know what to answer, not even how to answer. “Be mates
again?” Only mates? There is no rush like there was when they first met. Let’s
not rush things, one step at a time. Steven is deeply in love. But is there any trust,
complicity, friendship remaining behind this love? Why not? He misses the witty
conversations with John, as well as his wet body getting out of the pool. The latter will
come in time…
“Yes, I’ve missed you!”
(-“Turnaround, Every now and then I know there’s no one in the universe as
magical and wondrous as you…”-)
“Good. I’ve missed you, too!” John is relieved; the worst didn’t
happen. “If Steven can learn to trust me again in being mates, maybe later on
we’ll be able to become boyfriends again,” he thinks. “Boyfriends.”
How strange it sounds. The ground is just coming back under John’s feet.
(-“Turnaround, Every now and then I know there’s nothing any better and
there’s nothing I just wouldn’t do…”-)
“Steven, you said you had other things you wanted to talk about. What is it?”
He explains the whole story to John, not leaving out any details.
“He wants you to apologise for being who you are? I hope you won’t do
it!” John says with a protective tone, which greatly pleases Steven.
“No, I don’t want to. But I also want to do my final exams. I was wondering if
you could help me?”
“How?” John has really no clue how he might help Steven, his mate.
“You’re the Head Boy, for a couple weeks more only, but still your word weighs a
lot and is important to Alcock. Maybe you can defend my case in his office.”
“Are you sure it’s a good idea?”
“John, you don’t have to say to him you’re gay, if that’s what worries
you.” Steven smells racing, running, escaping. “Can you do it? I should put in
that way instead : do you want to do it?”
John is thinking really fast now. It is his duty, as Head Boy, to intervene on behalf of
the students to the Headmaster. This one is tough, though. He doesn’t want to let
Steven down again.
“I’ll do it, Steven, but we’ve got to prepare your case. I’ll ask my
dad for advice, and we’ll get together before I go into Alcock’s office. How
does that sound?”
“Great! Thank you John!” John is suddenly blinded by Steven’s smile. That
smile is a sign that he is really happy and that John is doing the right thing.
“I owed you one. Anyway, it’s good to see you smile again!”
“John, I have to confess a little something to you now.” He has a very serious
tone to his voice.
“What?”
“I’m scared. Right now, I’m scared.”
“Why?”
“Kevin Grainger is walking towards us. I know he told me he’d leave me alone,
but I don’t know. Tell me it will be alright.”
“Don’t worry. If there’s any provocation, I’ll see it.” Steven is
feeling reassured by John’s words.
“At this moment, I hope you’ll be more efficient than the last time I heard you
say it!” A smile graces Steven’s face as John rolls his eyes at the memory.
Kevin, visibly uncomfortable at what he is seeing, knows Steven has seen him. He
can’t walk by feigning ignorance.
“Oi, boss! Steven.”
“Hi, Kevin!” Steven nods to acknowledge his presence.
“So, what are you up to?”
“Catching up, fixing what I thought could never be fixed.”
“Great!” Kevin doesn’t want to know more. “One thing at the
time,” he thinks.
“Well, I’ll leave you two alone. I’ll be in the classroom. Hey,
Steven?”
“Yes?”
“I told you; I promised.” And Kevin disappears.
John doesn’t get that one. Now, though happy, he’s really not feeling well.
“Steven?” His voice is trembling.
“What? Johnny?!” Steven is worried now.
“Can we go somewhere else, I’m not…I’m not…” John faints, or
seems to.
Steven is looking for someone, is searching for what to do. He’s panicking and is
worried for John.
John’s head is moving slightly, then, slowly opening his eyes…
“Got you!”
“Wanker! You had me panicking, and you were faking all the time!”
“I’m not feeling good, it’s true, but that was for the wallpaper!”
to be continued...
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