Doing My Best

Chapter Twelve - Keep It Together

As Steven walks through the entrance doors of Belvedere, Jessica runs to catch him before the class. Somebody has worked hard last evening to avoid his friend any grief.

“Steven, Steven, wait!”

 “Jessica, quick, I don’t want to be late for Literature!”

 “Look at this, it’s the petition form. What do you think?”

 “Impressive. We’ll show it to Mark and Wendy. Better do that at lunch time.”

             The dinner at the Dixons is set for the coming evening. There is no time to be wasted here. The lunch break eventually arrives and the magazine staff is meeting outside.

 “Hey Jessica, Steven, I already have 18 names on my list! And Mark has a couple too.” Wendy states with pride.

 “Great, great! Thank you all again for helping me. I must…”

 Jessica cuts Steven off. “Oh, oh! John Dixon is coming. You sure it’s alright?”

 “Yes Jess. We’re “mates” again. But please behave. He’s kind enough to help me, I wouldn’t want to put him under the spot, not now though.”

 “Hi Steven!” John is surprised by the casual tone in his voice when addressing Steven. “It wasn’t that difficult’ he’s thinking. “Hi Wendy, Jess, Mark.”. They all looked at him in disbelief. John “God he’s perfect” Dixon.

 “What? I just came here to look what you were all doing. I take it this is a petition to help Steve?”

 >Yes it is.” Steven replies, a trifle embarrassed by his friend’s reaction. “We will present it to as many people as we can.”.

 “Yeah” Jessica starts, to get the others out of their starring. “we already have 25 names. Would you like to have a sheet? And don’t pay attention to Wendy. Just make sure she won’t drool over your blazer!”

Wendy, who was already blushing, was now crimson red. She makes a face to her best friend. It makes John chuckles; he is blushing as well.

 “Of course. I said I was going to help, so if that is a way to help, I’ll do it. But I don’t think Steven should have one.”

 “Why not?” Wendy states surprised. Why Steven shouldn’t help?

 “Because we have to show off people who are supporting Steven, not a guy who is promoting his own cause. I think.”

 “Alright. Did your father find anything to prevent the Fascist to execute his scheme?”

 “It seems he has an idea in mind., we’ll discuss that tonight…”

 Steven interrupts his love then “The dinner is tonight?”

 “…yes. I’ll wait for you after school, right?”

 “Oh what a gentleman. Steven, never let him go!” Jessica says jokingly. But she doesn’t realise it is John’s first test being out and with strangers. He turns white as a sheet.

 “Please don’t go. I didn’t expect that one. I’m here, please stay” Steven whispers with a desperate voice in John’s ear.

 “I’m panicking Steve. I don’t know what to do. Tell me it’ll be alright.” Comes the unsure and strained answer.

After a rather quiet and uneventful afternoon, John is heading towards the hall, where he’s supposed to meet Steven.

 “Oie Boss!” Kevin hailed as he is almost running to catch up the distance between John and him.

 “Hi Kev! What’s up?” John politely replies.

 “Did you know that some students are passing a petition to support Carter?”

 “Steve?”

 “Err, Steve, yeah”

 “Yes I know, I have a sheet myself, want to sign it?”

 “NO! Anyway, what can happen to him now? He’s happy, you’re happy so let it be.” Kevin says in an almost mocking tone.

 “He might be forbid to attend his final exams simply because he is gay and he said it out loud!” Isn’t it enough to support him?”

 “Boss, John, no. I said I wouldn’t bully him anymore and I intend to keep that promise. But, on the other hand, I won’t do anything more.”

 “Not even for me?” John is just realising that there is a huge difference between tolerance and acceptance.

 “It’s not about you, and you know it.”

 “What I know is that I care a lot for Steven. What I also know is that I’m gay, like him.”

 “John, first, you’re not in trouble. And second, you don’t go out of your way shouting on the rooftops that you’re gay and it’s perfect like that. The threat he’s facing must be expected after such a dramatic speech!”

 “For a second, forget Steven and I are gay. Just make it ‘different’. What if he’d be Black, Asian, disabled or any other fucking difference on earth you can think of? Would it still be right to prevent him, us, from attending our exams?”

 “John, John. You might want to stop here, because you won’t persuade me to sign this petition!”

 “Don’t worry Kev, I was beyond this mere sheet of paper. I was trying, though not succeeding, to tell you that I am different too, even though I didn’t announce that difference to the entire school; and that a situation like that might arise at any moment in my life : job application, flat renting, weird stares, knife-cutting remarks…” John says virulently, painfully aware of all those situations, and many more. After all, this is what kept him to admit to himself, let lane the others, he’s gay

 “Yeah , it can happen.”

 “And what I understand is you not wanting to help prevent that social injustice in a way you can ; is that stopping wrestling my ‘real me’ and finding a way to be finally happy, it would be preferable hiding it and making sure nobody could ever be disturbed by someone, me, different by simply living, breathing and loving. Have you ever loved someone Kevin? Am I right or is it worse than that?”

 “Just never mind, alright!! I’ll catch you later!” Kevin shouts angrily.

 ‘Right”

             John never thought that his friends (was he now still sure of that?) would not want him to be happy in a way John is comfortable (or getting there) with. How can Kevin could want him to be happy and at the same time not being the person he really is? A question arises : how much of a friend is Kevin really? The answer is not that obvious; he’s known Kevin for many, many years. But things have changed. Maybe not, maybe John is just now accepting things that were always there.

And he also realises that people, friends like Mark, Wendy and Jessica simply don’t care if he’s gay or not They even compliment him earlier, knowing full well that he’s gay. Maybe some other people could be as acceptant. Maybe he should think about who are his real friends, who could be real friends. And maybe, surely, Steven can understand what he’s feeling.

On the other hand, there is also sadness and deception in John’s heart. He starts to believe he just lost a friend. That is a consequence of being different. And at that very moment, a smile formed on his ever handsome face at the sight of his greatest gain in that quest : love, Steven.

to be continued...

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